Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I . am . VERY . excited!

Not a lot of things can excite me these days. But I have to admit I have had this excitement for a couple days now. 

Words cannot describe the things I want to tell you
But I know the minute our eyes meet...
It won't matter
Everything stands still
Time becomes non-existent
The only thing left to do is to jump into your arms
...and stay there as long as I can

I smell the familiar scent as our cheeks touch
I close my eyes and everything is beautiful again
just as...
the first time we talked
the first time we held hands
and the first time we kissed

"Everyone needs someone to make them feel like tomorrow is more than just another day." - You make my tomorrow brighter than I can ever imagine! 

Monday, August 22, 2011


..is the state of my being today

one last time
you held my hands
strong grip but oh-so-caring
letting me know I'm yours
for once
Time stood still...
as we felt the trembling
inside our hearts and souls
We belong together..

I cried
I felt the heartache
for you
for the first time
knowing it's the end of us.

A conscious decision I made
without you knowing it
but it's right
it's a must

So long.. my friend
You will forever be in my heart!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


Can a girl even get her Wednesday's comfort breakfast around here?
The best biscuit and gravy at the hospital cafeteria. It escaped me today.
I arrived with only one person in line in front of me, 5 minutes before the hotline closed.
And she ordered all three of the remaining biscuits.
I left with nothing!!!

Try my luck - these days.

I couldn't even get my comfort food to ease my soul.
That felt like someone was scrubbing my fresh wound with salt. Ouchie.

I had one of those ouchie moments yesterday.
Dating is hard. Doing the right thing in dating is even harder at times.
I did my right thing. And I received the right thing someone decided upon me.
It was so right I couldn't disagree.

A good friend reminded me that it is about the journey, not the destination.
It's true, but it is difficult to see when your journey leads you to a deadend.
But maybe it is a blessing after all?
Perspective is a tricky one, I'd tell ya.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


If Genie was by my side
I wish for sunshine all day
365 days of the year here
where I live. Ocean. Lakes. Trees.
all immersed in the eternal sunshine.

If Genie was by my side
I wish the world is free
of poverty. violence. war. preventable deaths.
I wish everyone is completely free
of hatred. pain. and broken hearts.

But as they say it so:
Life goes on. Things happens, for
a reason. Unbeknownst to you. But
have faith. Stay true to yourself.
Eventually things will fall into places
the way they're supposed to be...

A little late but here it is, last Friday's six words - If

Monday, June 20, 2011

So this is how chemistry feels like...

I have felt the butterflies in my stomach before.
I have felt the twists and the turns of my gut, which at times were mistaken to be the mysterious zaa-zaa-zou.
And I have also felt the nagging of my intuition, deep in my core, telling me to get out.

But I should know the differences - the excitement
of the true, genuine, undeniable, and consuming chemistry,
that awakes the deepest part of my heart and soul.

That was what I felt.
After a long time.

Monday, June 13, 2011


After an exhausting weekend, I am feeling very content at this moment. My only evening with no plan this week, I'm kicking my feet up after cooking, dinner, and now watching my guilty pleasure show - "the Bachelorette". I know the show is corny, unreal, all planned, etc., but hey, it is my free night for myself, I get to enjoy whatever I want...

Easy as that, my attempt of the one Vietnamese dish this week turns out great. Braised catfish with pork belly. It's supposed to be in a clay pot. Even though I don't have one, it still looks pretty tasty, doesn't it?

The power of a delicious meal. The satisfaction of being able to put together a quick and tasty dinner for myself. I'm happy. I'm relaxed. I'm not thinking too much (opposite of such a busy mind I had all day). And that is contentment. I realized the new path I have started a few months ago hit a snag. I'm not all "healed" and  all strong again just yet. The dark moments can still creep out of nowhere - unannounced. But at least I have nights like this, when my favorite activities put a smile on my face.

I can see it through and through now how much of an Introvert I am. I recharge by alone-time. I don't shy away from group, socializing, or what not, but definitely, I need my me-time. It's not about being lonely. It is about enjoying my time alone so I can be more energetic and confident afterward.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The fragrant of delicious food

... is so addictive and infectious.

roast chicken with herb tomato sauce

I love food. I love to eat and I love cooking. Yesterday, a couple friends and I attended a basic cooking class where I learned a few new tips in cooking, making stock, coulis, roasting, and several of those knife techniques. It was also great fun! Since last night, food has been on my mind.

chiffonading and mincing the night away

I prepared my lunches for the rest of the week. The brownie is smelling great from the oven tonight. I have been going through some recipes, planning ahead for next week's menu. This certainly doesn't help my own weight loss goals that I just started with a friend. The truth is I need to tone my muscles more than losing pounds, but I'm doing this to encourage my friend.

I am proud to call myself an "economical" and practical cook, not as making the fancy, chef-like, beautifully-plated dishes every time. But I am good at planning and executing a weekly menu that is balance, healthy, and delicious - yet doesn't take a long time to cook. Kind of like the Rachel Ray's 30 minute kind of meals.

What occurs to me tonight is that I have got a decent foundation, learning mostly from my mom. All those years watching her cook or playing the sous chef, definitely helped. I can maneuver the Vietnamese dishes pretty well. However, I haven't cooked a lot of those lately. It seems that as I have been expanding into other types of cuisines, American, Italian, French and others so much, I have forgotten to practice cooking my "mother-food". I decided that starting today (next week), I will alternate to include one Vietnamese dish to one other dish in my weekly menu.

Looking forward to documenting this new cooking adventure by pictures! :)

Friday, June 3, 2011

happy happy joy joy

the joy of being deeply loved
is so foreign to my soul
I wait. I seek. I yearn.
it's still nowhere to be seen.

I run away from genuine interest
I push away care and respect
I wonder how joy isn't there
Only fear and pain, irking below.

Happy Happy Joy Joy I'd say
come to me please - unexpected so
easy, simple, natural, not having to
try so hard. Where are you?

six word fridays: joy - hosted by Melissa

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The power to choose

Gotta be grateful for the simple things in life - today I chose a coconut creme pie, my most favorite pie ever!

I don't typically have a sweet tooth, but I have my moments. I enjoy desserts very much when they are "the ones" I choose. It occurred to me over the long Memorial Day weekend that I do have a lot of power on my hands, when it comes to making decisions. I can pretty much do whatever I want, go for whatever I choose. To some people, that is such a privilege, almost a luxury, to have that power. 

The thing is - not all of my decisions align with what others think I ought to do. It is hard when they are your loved ones. My parents probably did not like it one bit when I moved out, nor do they think I should skip church every Sunday, just because I no longer benefit from it. But I chose it. I chose to live it that way. 

Choices come with responsibilities. You must stand up for yourself. You must take responsibilities. Good or bad, it's all yours. No one else will be the blame. And you shouldn't be the blame either. Sometimes we make decisions based on fear, insecurities, or low self-esteem, or based on some twisted ways of thinking that you need to do so to please others. Your choices sometimes can be oh-not-so-good for yourself, but as long as you make them with authenticity, considering all information, then running with it is the way to go. Because, at the end of the day, you will not regret. And that is what I stand by.

Have you always made decisions that are true to you? Were there times where you were inhibited in making your own choices? What were the reasons? On the other hand, should one always have the ultimate power to choose? 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


IQ - check
Emotional Intelligence - not my first nature, maybe blaming it on being an ISTJ, but I have gotten much better over the years. I guess it is true that it does come with age and being wised up through experience.
Dating Intelligence - I wish there is a class I could take! :)

Now, imagine that... in your heart, too

I am a life-long student by choice. I wish there is a manual for everything that I can just refer to. But there are things you just have to navigate on your own...

Unfortunately, life throws a fork at me at the moment. I wish there is a check list to help me yield a decision, a risk-free decision.

Being your authentic self is easier said than done. Having clear boundaries to stick to your own authenticity at all times is a must. But we are all human after all. We sway, we feel, we kick, we scream, we fight through the muddle of mixed emotions, of right and wrong, of positives and negatives, of what ifs, of perhaps...and we stall.

Let's hope this doesn't stall me for long. Let's hope however this turns out, will add a little more intelligence to my dating quotient.

Just do it.

(Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/kYzeNl)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Love Stories

.. revisited..

1. She is very happy that he called her this evening. He rarely calls her but every time he does, she jumped up and down like a high school girl. It takes her hours to get ready to go out with him. She has butterflies in her stomach the whole time, until he arrives at her doorstep. She doesn't know what she should wear. She can't pick out the right eye shadow color or the right perfume. Yet, he never remembers what her favorite dress color is. Or if she has changed her scent for the day. They have a lot of fun doing things together. They have their usual date night - set once a week. If any day he misses, she will be very upset and sad. Yet, he could careless and they would meet up again, like nothing ever happened. Most of the time, she talks, he laughs, and she's happy. She always asks him questions, how his day was, how his work project is going, or if his social group is growing. She knows literally almost everything that goes on in his life. But when they say goodbye, an empty feeling leaves her breathless. She feels insecure not knowing when she will get to see him again, when he will call her the next time.

2. She receives a phone call almost every other day, better yet, an email trail conversation for the day he doesn't call. It makes her happy that he takes the initiative to call because that is not her cup of tea. If he waits for her to call, it would be days. She told him this and he acknowledged. He likes to make plans with her, during the week and in the weekend. It's rare that they don't see each other for longer than a week. Every time they meet, she feels brand new again. And every time, it fills with joy and laughter. He notices if she wears the pink blush for the day, or if she uses a little extra perfume for the special occasion. He makes her feel special by the little things he is attentive to, sometime taking her out of surprise. She understands of his work, especially when he's too busy to be with her. And he is always there for her, when she's down and not feeling well for any reasons. Even if she has a bad night, tossing and turning to fall asleep, deep down in her heart, she knows no matter what happens, she will hear from him again. Better yet, she will get to see him soon.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Hug was my best gift to my mom on Mother's Day

I hope my card  got to my mom on time. We live only 5 minutes away but I decided to surprise her with a card in the mail that says, "I love you". That is huge, even though it's just in writing and not it's the words that come out of my mouth. I wish I could say that over and over and over to her. I just never say it like that, ever. Not in my mother tongue, nor English. Although, if it will ever be said, it will be in English. My thought process, my emotion, and my expression now are all in English. 

My mom never said "I love you" to me, but I know she does, more than I can ever comprehend. They say, "you will love your mother more when you become a mother". I can't wait for that day to happen, but for now, I do what I can, to express my gratitude to her, in my own unspoken "I-love-you". We spent most of the afternoon yesterday shopping and having sushi buffet. My mom loves sushi. We got some new summer clothes. We were having so much fun as the four hours flied by so quick. If it hadn't been because of work, I would have spent all day shopping with her. She clearly didn't want the day to end, and neither did I. Although, my dad kept calling us to see when we would have gotten home. I wonder what I would do with my dad for a whole day, for Father's day a month from now. Maybe washing our cars? :)

I caught myself giving my mom a hug from behind (with my arms wrapping around her) several times yesterday. That was huge. Hugging and any kinds of physical affections have been a shortcoming in my family. Partially cultural influences, maybe personality, I'm not sure. But as I am emerging into this new culture of affections, verbal expressions, and somewhat individualism, I crave to build that connection with my parents, my mom specifically. I was proud to be able to hug her, just like that, with no conscious effort. Here's to more hugging with my momma! :)

Friday, May 6, 2011

Yesterday no more

Yesterday is behind me, at last.
No more hours and hours conversing,
laughing, crying and sharing with you.
No more butterflies in my stomach,
longing for the time we met.
But most importantly, no more pain
and heartache, lingering in my soul
every time we parted... I yearned.

A part of me left yesterday.

But all of me is here
Now. Today. Tomorrow. And forever more.
More happy memories. More tranquil existence.
My heart's wide-open for love
for gratitude, for change, for growth.
Without you, it seemed hard. Yet
It is just fine, without you...

Once again, Six Word Fridays from Melissa. Today's topic is Yesterday. Thank you!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Giving (and Receiving)

I advocate for "balance", that magical point in the middle where both ends are at this perfect, harmonious position, not tipping either way. When it comes to giving and receiving, my giving end tends to be quite generous. I'm not sure whether it is a personality thing, or it was something I acquired growing up. I remember catching myself saying this numerous times, "I know there is no perfect equality when it comes to giving and receiving in any kind of relationships, so I'm okay with being the giver", hmmm, quite a statement. However, in this new journey, I do want to strive for that perfect equation, in which I am allowing myself to receive. I read this notion somewhere, "Give and you will Receive more". Maybe I have been doing it right all along. Although it is more important for me now to open up my heart, to acknowledge, to allow, and to breath in what I receive. I am using this as a segueway for the main topic today, participating in the blog series for World Give Day.

The topic of this year is "Small scale donors are the backbone of philanthropy"

As an avid volunteer of Jolkona Foundation for almost a year, I do believe in small scale donations. It might have stemmed from my childhood where I frequently saved a portion of my weekly allowance to give to the homeless at church every Sunday, when I gave away my savings for flood victims, or the times I donated blood (because that was what I had easy-access to). The point is, as a young child, I shared what I had. That carried on throughout my college years, and now, I found Jolkona's mission near and dear to my heart. We provide the vehicle to allow everybody to be a philanthropist. We focus on showing the impact of each donation, whether it is a $5 to cure a diarrhea child in India, or a $150 scholarship to a educate a girl in Nepal. All donations count. All donor gets to see their proof of impact.

I encourage each and everyone of you, on this May 4, join together to GIVE.

Monetary donation is not the only way. Give your time to loved ones. Volunteer for a good cause that you are passionate about. Make someone's day by a simple smile and hello. Lend your shoulder to those in need of your support. Or give yourself a pat in the back. Whatever it is, I encourage you to do one extra "GIVING" act tomorrow.

"This post is part of a blog series inspired by World Give Day and hosted by GiveForward and Jolkona. To find other posts in this series please visit www.worldgiveday.com or follow the hashtag #giveday." 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Each other's last lover we'd be

Your last lover I oughta be
Since you would be my last
Destiny seemed to have it so

But then - we had our last
Words. Laugh. Kiss. Hug. and Tears.
One last time. And forever so.

This post is inspired by this week's Six Word Fridays topic: LAST. Thank you Melissa for hosting and I'm glad to be part of it. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Dance Baby Dance Dance

I made it to the dance team!! This is the most awesome news these days. I spent several nights last week practicing alone in the gym's studio. It felt "legit". It felt as if I was in my tutu dancing the Swan Lake at age 6. Although I didn't incorporate much of ballet in my 2-minute audition routine, the vaguely-remembered skills helped. Also, thanks to youtube for reminding me of the modern dance moves I inquired back in the college days, a few salsa courses here and there; thanks to a new friend for putting together the music; and thanks for all of the encouragements around.

Now onto practices for the next two months, the big performance is in July. Little or large, I'd be happy to partake in the event. It's for a good cause, and for my own good cause of getting back into dancing. It's definitely a great start. Let's see how I roll with this commitment.

Easter week-end was fun (it began early on Thursday night), get-together, shopping, dinner, drinks, birthday parties, chill time, and WORK, all of them put a toll on me. I was exhausted on Monday. Note to self: it ain't the time when sleeping 3-4 hours was enough anymore. I need at least 7 hours now to fully function. Aging is not at all overrated in this case. I started thinking about all the things I was able to do so easily just a few years ago, but now they come with constraint. Would I rather be me back then, or am I at a good spot, the perfect placement where I am supposed to be? If I could reverse time, would I want to be 23 again - fresh out of college, at 26 entering the corporate world full time or merely 28 mending my broken heart with a chance to start anew? I'd pick 23, with one condition, I'd possess all of the knowledge and wisdom I have now :). But as cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. I needed to go through them to arrive right here, right now. What I take with me forward is what matters.

How about you? What was your best year(s)/age? or is it not here yet? What would be the one thing you wish you could do over? and Why?

(Picture courtesy of Magic Mural Factory)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Deadly Silence

It started out as a nice mother-daughter outting. I took my mom for a facial at this fancy spa during Spa Week (known as the discounted services offered one-week-a-year in selected spas). As we were all renewed and refreshed, this conversation occured on the car ride home:

Mom: Holy Week is coming up and next Sunday is Easter! Have you gone to church recently?
Daughter: ummm, here and there, once a while (lie)
Mom: You were such a good church-goer back then. You spent years teaching Bible to the kids at Sunday school and participated in all church events.
Daughter: (silence)
Mom: Have you even gone to confession?
Daughter: (more silence) (I already lied once in this conversation, honest and truthful now Miss Chi)
Mom: (deadly silence)

Five long minutes later, mom started talking about our spa experience and how it relaxing it was. (phew)!

I have a crazy schedule this weekend, packed more work hours than normal. But it was not on purpose. I did not plan to ignore or brush off the fact that it is Holy Week. Up until 4 years ago, being part of a church organization (choir) meant a lot to me. But now, it doesn't. I don't run away from it. I made a choice. I don't consider myself super religious, but I don't disregard the fact that religion helped giving me a structure growing up. It influenced me in a good way to be the person I am today. But I am on a new path now, the path to explore my spirituality. I don't yet know exactly what that means, but I am eager to find out.

The sad thing is, I think my mom would never understand any of this. Communication is key. I've learned over the years that the broken (or non-existing) channel of communication between my parents and I have caused a lot of headache and heartache. Though, I do want to change it around. Would throwing this spirituality notion out there be too much for them to handle? Would it just be another episode of crying and guilt trip like the time I decided to move out on my own? Or would it be more understanding, compassionate and mature? (I hope that's the case, if or when I finally decide to discuss this avoid-at-all-cost subject)

Regarldess of all this, I'm sure on Sunday my heart will sing a little, as the bells from St. James Catheral a few blocks away ring the joyous tune.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I feel like blogging today

I opted for a hot one.

Sipping my sometime-favorite Caramel Macchiato at this super chic, echo-friendly and newly remodeled Starbucks store, I feel like blogging. That is not part of my plan for today at all. My plan for the day was to spend a couple of hours doing some volunteer project work, then head to yoga before work this evening. Yes, I do like to plan, but I have learned to loosen up the control grip quite a bit over this past year and  I can now say I am a "recovering life-controller". I am going with the daily flow of life more these days, with a plan hovering in the back of my head.

For many years I've striven to lead a balance life but most time the scale was tipping. When I first came to the States, it was all school and work for a straight 6 years. I needed to achieve the goals as fast as possible - my ambition said so. A couple years after that, my parents was my main focus. Being the only child has its ups and downs, pros and cons, and the perks that come with huge responsibilities. I can't even begin to delve into this topic, one of those that is near and dear to my heart. Maybe another day...

Then came the men. I (mainly unaware of) was never able to really know myself enough to honor what I truly wanted. The sad thing was that not knowing came with not acting the part. I put myself in situations where I never gotten the utmost happiness in that special relationship (do I really know how utmost happiness really feels like? Maybe not then, not now, but I'm learning and practicing, hence this new beginning. But what I DO know is that I want it, all of it, nothing less.)

I think I might be on the road to achieve great balance this weekend. I have planned a nice mix of work, play, family, me-time and volunteer stuff (now only if I finish this blog quick and get back to it). It seems as if I am creating the "best practice" of how a fulfilling and satisfying life for Miss Chi is like. The most essential thing to remember is that every single one of those items listed should reflect my happiest self.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I named it A New Beginning. I gotta start somewhere.

Back in the school days, I dreaded the idea of writing essays and papers. Never in a million years I thought I'd love writing. But here I am. I started my own blog, I must have some sort of interest. And an interest is just a couple steps away from loving it, right? I have kept a journal for many years, but writing a public blog is a totally different ballgame. It's myself exposed to the world wide web. But since I recently made this personal "vow" to be truthful to myself, this is the first step. Now, Miss Chi, let's start being open, honest, and truthful to yourself, to the people around you, and to the world. Let's the journey begin.

Over this past weekend, through a refreshing high tea experience, I dug deep inside myself to look for all of the "gremlins" in my head. I have recently become fully aware of their powerful existence in my life. And shockingly or not - it's the same theme over and over. It's the belief that I need to be selfless, think-for-other-first, and giving-without-expecting-return. I know where it comes from. I grew up that way. I was taught that way. I saw that in everyone around me, especially in all of the women in my life. Acknowledging is not blaming. It's far from it. Acknowledging is the first step to Accepting, then to Shifting.  It sure isn't the easiest path, but it is the path worth taking. I have come to a point where shifting the focus to loving myself and acting upon my true desires is a must.

I'm sure I am not the only one going through this transformation, more or less. I've heard stories of many of my friends, who have had similar experience. Everybody needs to go through it on their own ways, but please do share if any of these "gremlins" below resonate to you...

"Always put others first."
"You need to think first and foremost of how this (action) may affect your family and closed ones."
"Thinking about yourself is selfish."
"You only take what is given to you." (because that's all you deserve?)
"You need not to speak up what you feel/think/want/desire." (as if they don't matter in the big scheme of things)
"You gotta try harder. You need to earn it. So work harder. Prove yourself." (presumptuously that is the only way you would be validated, valued and loved)

Oh, my gremlins! You have dampened my self-worth so much.
I hope by truthfully acknowledging you, I will move one step closer to accepting you, start a conversation with you, and eventually convince you to rest in a closed compartment of my soul.