I made it to the dance team!! This is the most awesome news these days. I spent several nights last week practicing alone in the gym's studio. It felt "legit". It felt as if I was in my tutu dancing the Swan Lake at age 6. Although I didn't incorporate much of ballet in my 2-minute audition routine, the vaguely-remembered skills helped. Also, thanks to youtube for reminding me of the modern dance moves I inquired back in the college days, a few salsa courses here and there; thanks to a new friend for putting together the music; and thanks for all of the encouragements around.
Now onto practices for the next two months, the big performance is in July. Little or large, I'd be happy to partake in the event. It's for a good cause, and for my own good cause of getting back into dancing. It's definitely a great start. Let's see how I roll with this commitment.
Easter week-end was fun (it began early on Thursday night), get-together, shopping, dinner, drinks, birthday parties, chill time, and WORK, all of them put a toll on me. I was exhausted on Monday. Note to self: it ain't the time when sleeping 3-4 hours was enough anymore. I need at least 7 hours now to fully function. Aging is not at all overrated in this case. I started thinking about all the things I was able to do so easily just a few years ago, but now they come with constraint. Would I rather be me back then, or am I at a good spot, the perfect placement where I am supposed to be? If I could reverse time, would I want to be 23 again - fresh out of college, at 26 entering the corporate world full time or merely 28 mending my broken heart with a chance to start anew? I'd pick 23, with one condition, I'd possess all of the knowledge and wisdom I have now :). But as cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. I needed to go through them to arrive right here, right now. What I take with me forward is what matters.
How about you? What was your best year(s)/age? or is it not here yet? What would be the one thing you wish you could do over? and Why?
It started out as a nice mother-daughter outting. I took my mom for a facial at this fancy spa during Spa Week (known as the discounted services offered one-week-a-year in selected spas). As we were all renewed and refreshed, this conversation occured on the car ride home:
Mom: Holy Week is coming up and next Sunday is Easter! Have you gone to church recently?
Daughter: ummm, here and there, once a while (lie)
Mom: You were such a good church-goer back then. You spent years teaching Bible to the kids at Sunday school and participated in all church events.
Mom: Have you even gone to confession?
Daughter: (more silence) (I already lied once in this conversation, honest and truthful now Miss Chi)
Mom: (deadly silence)
Five long minutes later, mom started talking about our spa experience and how it relaxing it was. (phew)!
I have a crazy schedule this weekend, packed more work hours than normal. But it was not on purpose. I did not plan to ignore or brush off the fact that it is Holy Week. Up until 4 years ago, being part of a church organization (choir) meant a lot to me. But now, it doesn't. I don't run away from it. I made a choice. I don't consider myself super religious, but I don't disregard the fact that religion helped giving me a structure growing up. It influenced me in a good way to be the person I am today. But I am on a new path now, the path to explore my spirituality. I don't yet know exactly what that means, but I am eager to find out.
The sad thing is, I think my mom would never understand any of this. Communication is key. I've learned over the years that the broken (or non-existing) channel of communication between my parents and I have caused a lot of headache and heartache. Though, I do want to change it around. Would throwing this spirituality notion out there be too much for them to handle? Would it just be another episode of crying and guilt trip like the time I decided to move out on my own? Or would it be more understanding, compassionate and mature? (I hope that's the case, if or when I finally decide to discuss this avoid-at-all-cost subject)
Regarldess of all this, I'm sure on Sunday my heart will sing a little, as the bells from St. James Catheral a few blocks away ring the joyous tune.
Sipping my sometime-favorite Caramel Macchiato at this super chic, echo-friendly and newly remodeled Starbucks store, I feel like blogging. That is not part of my plan for today at all. My plan for the day was to spend a couple of hours doing some volunteer project work, then head to yoga before work this evening. Yes, I do like to plan, but I have learned to loosen up the control grip quite a bit over this past year and I can now say I am a "recovering life-controller". I am going with the daily flow of life more these days, with a plan hovering in the back of my head.
For many years I've striven to lead a balance life but most time the scale was tipping. When I first came to the States, it was all school and work for a straight 6 years. I needed to achieve the goals as fast as possible - my ambition said so. A couple years after that, my parents was my main focus. Being the only child has its ups and downs, pros and cons, and the perks that come with huge responsibilities. I can't even begin to delve into this topic, one of those that is near and dear to my heart. Maybe another day...
Then came the men. I (mainly unaware of) was never able to really know myself enough to honor what I truly wanted. The sad thing was that not knowing came with not acting the part. I put myself in situations where I never gotten the utmost happiness in that special relationship (do I really know how utmost happiness really feels like? Maybe not then, not now, but I'm learning and practicing, hence this new beginning. But what I DO know is that I want it, all of it, nothing less.)
I think I might be on the road to achieve great balance this weekend. I have planned a nice mix of work, play, family, me-time and volunteer stuff (now only if I finish this blog quick and get back to it). It seems as if I am creating the "best practice" of how a fulfilling and satisfying life for Miss Chi is like. The most essential thing to remember is that every single one of those items listed should reflect my happiest self.
Back in the school days, I dreaded the idea of writing essays and papers. Never in a million years I thought I'd love writing. But here I am. I started my own blog, I must have some sort of interest. And an interest is just a couple steps away from loving it, right? I have kept a journal for many years, but writing a public blog is a totally different ballgame. It's myself exposed to the world wide web. But since I recently made this personal "vow" to be truthful to myself, this is the first step. Now, Miss Chi, let's start being open, honest, and truthful to yourself, to the people around you, and to the world. Let's the journey begin.
Over this past weekend, through a refreshing high tea experience, I dug deep inside myself to look for all of the "gremlins" in my head. I have recently become fully aware of their powerful existence in my life. And shockingly or not - it's the same theme over and over. It's the belief that I need to be selfless, think-for-other-first, and giving-without-expecting-return. I know where it comes from. I grew up that way. I was taught that way. I saw that in everyone around me, especially in all of the women in my life. Acknowledging is not blaming. It's far from it. Acknowledging is the first step to Accepting, then to Shifting. It sure isn't the easiest path, but it is the path worth taking. I have come to a point where shifting the focus to loving myself and acting upon my true desires is a must.
I'm sure I am not the only one going through this transformation, more or less. I've heard stories of many of my friends, who have had similar experience. Everybody needs to go through it on their own ways, but please do share if any of these "gremlins" below resonate to you...
"Always put others first." "You need to think first and foremost of how this (action) may affect your family and closed ones." "Thinking about yourself is selfish." "You only take what is given to you." (because that's all you deserve?) "You need not to speak up what you feel/think/want/desire." (as if they don't matter in the big scheme of things) "You gotta try harder. You need to earn it. So work harder. Prove yourself." (presumptuously that is the only way you would be validated, valued and loved)
Oh, my gremlins! You have dampened my self-worth so much. I hope by truthfully acknowledging you, I will move one step closer to accepting you, start a conversation with you, and eventually convince you to rest in a closed compartment of my soul.