Love Letter

My dearest self,

You should know that no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. We can get through anything together, hardship, heartaches, disappointments - you name it! I will always be by your side, so don't be scared. Don't be afraid to live it up to your full potential. Don't be scared to open up. Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith. You will be alright.

What you can do is to be responsible for your own behavior and actions, and not anyone else. So conduct yourself in a way that you will not regret. My dearest, you have always been very good at this and you will, too, in the same manner that you've carried on thus far. Because you are you, the one and only, the most awesome person to me!

With lots of love,

Honesty and Authenticity...

Those are a part of who you are, and I happen to share somewhat of the same sentiments. So here goes.

I don't do very well with Grey!
When it comes to matter of the heart...
Grey makes me weak and insecure
Grey brings tears to my eyes
Grey confuses me
Grey causes me to question my intentions and actions
Grey gives me so much heartache...

I happen to prefer Black and White!
and if you ask me why...
I can only say
That's just me - with complete honesty and authenticity.

I . am . VERY . excited!

Not a lot of things can excite me these days. But I have to admit I have had this excitement for a couple days now. 


Words cannot describe the things I want to tell you
But I know the minute our eyes meet...
It won't matter
Everything stands still
Time becomes non-existent
The only thing left to do is to jump into your arms
...and stay there as long as I can


I smell the familiar scent as our cheeks touch
I close my eyes and everything is beautiful again
just as...
the first time we talked
the first time we held hands
and the first time we kissed
.....


"Everyone needs someone to make them feel like tomorrow is more than just another day." - You make my tomorrow brighter than I can ever imagine! 

nostalgic

..is the state of my being today

one last time
you held my hands
strong grip but oh-so-caring
letting me know I'm yours
for once
forever
Time stood still...
as we felt the trembling
inside our hearts and souls
We belong together..

I cried
I felt the heartache
for you
for the first time
knowing it's the end of us.

A conscious decision I made
without you knowing it
but it's right
it's a must

So long.. my friend
You will forever be in my heart!

Comfort

Can a girl even get her Wednesday's comfort breakfast around here?
The best biscuit and gravy at the hospital cafeteria. It escaped me today.
I arrived with only one person in line in front of me, 5 minutes before the hotline closed.
And she ordered all three of the remaining biscuits.
I left with nothing!!!

Try my luck - these days.

I couldn't even get my comfort food to ease my soul.
That felt like someone was scrubbing my fresh wound with salt. Ouchie.

I had one of those ouchie moments yesterday.
Dating is hard. Doing the right thing in dating is even harder at times.
I did my right thing. And I received the right thing someone decided upon me.
It was so right I couldn't disagree.

A good friend reminded me that it is about the journey, not the destination.
It's true, but it is difficult to see when your journey leads you to a deadend.
But maybe it is a blessing after all?
Perspective is a tricky one, I'd tell ya.

If

If Genie was by my side
I wish for sunshine all day
365 days of the year here
where I live. Ocean. Lakes. Trees.
all immersed in the eternal sunshine.

If Genie was by my side
I wish the world is free
of poverty. violence. war. preventable deaths.
I wish everyone is completely free
of hatred. pain. and broken hearts.

But as they say it so:
Life goes on. Things happens, for
a reason. Unbeknownst to you. But
have faith. Stay true to yourself.
Eventually things will fall into places
the way they're supposed to be...


A little late but here it is, last Friday's six words - If

happy happy joy joy

the joy of being deeply loved
is so foreign to my soul
I wait. I seek. I yearn.
it's still nowhere to be seen.

I run away from genuine interest
I push away care and respect
I wonder how joy isn't there
Only fear and pain, irking below.

Happy Happy Joy Joy I'd say
come to me please - unexpected so
easy, simple, natural, not having to
try so hard. Where are you?


six word fridays: joy - hosted by Melissa

The power to choose

Gotta be grateful for the simple things in life - today I chose a coconut creme pie, my most favorite pie ever!

I don't typically have a sweet tooth, but I have my moments. I enjoy desserts very much when they are "the ones" I choose. It occurred to me over the long Memorial Day weekend that I do have a lot of power on my hands, when it comes to making decisions. I can pretty much do whatever I want, go for whatever I choose. To some people, that is such a privilege, almost a luxury, to have that power. 

The thing is - not all of my decisions align with what others think I ought to do. It is hard when they are your loved ones. My parents probably did not like it one bit when I moved out, nor do they think I should skip church every Sunday, just because I no longer benefit from it. But I chose it. I chose to live it that way. 

Choices come with responsibilities. You must stand up for yourself. You must take responsibilities. Good or bad, it's all yours. No one else will be the blame. And you shouldn't be the blame either. Sometimes we make decisions based on fear, insecurities, or low self-esteem, or based on some twisted ways of thinking that you need to do so to please others. Your choices sometimes can be oh-not-so-good for yourself, but as long as you make them with authenticity, considering all information, then running with it is the way to go. Because, at the end of the day, you will not regret. And that is what I stand by.


Have you always made decisions that are true to you? Were there times where you were inhibited in making your own choices? What were the reasons? On the other hand, should one always have the ultimate power to choose? 

Intelligence

IQ - check
Emotional Intelligence - not my first nature, maybe blaming it on being an ISTJ, but I have gotten much better over the years. I guess it is true that it does come with age and being wised up through experience.
Dating Intelligence - I wish there is a class I could take! :)


Now, imagine that... in your heart, too


I am a life-long student by choice. I wish there is a manual for everything that I can just refer to. But there are things you just have to navigate on your own...

Unfortunately, life throws a fork at me at the moment. I wish there is a check list to help me yield a decision, a risk-free decision.

Being your authentic self is easier said than done. Having clear boundaries to stick to your own authenticity at all times is a must. But we are all human after all. We sway, we feel, we kick, we scream, we fight through the muddle of mixed emotions, of right and wrong, of positives and negatives, of what ifs, of perhaps...and we stall.

Let's hope this doesn't stall me for long. Let's hope however this turns out, will add a little more intelligence to my dating quotient.

Just do it.


(Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/kYzeNl)

A Hug was my best gift to my mom on Mother's Day

I hope my card  got to my mom on time. We live only 5 minutes away but I decided to surprise her with a card in the mail that says, "I love you". That is huge, even though it's just in writing and not it's the words that come out of my mouth. I wish I could say that over and over and over to her. I just never say it like that, ever. Not in my mother tongue, nor English. Although, if it will ever be said, it will be in English. My thought process, my emotion, and my expression now are all in English. 

My mom never said "I love you" to me, but I know she does, more than I can ever comprehend. They say, "you will love your mother more when you become a mother". I can't wait for that day to happen, but for now, I do what I can, to express my gratitude to her, in my own unspoken "I-love-you". We spent most of the afternoon yesterday shopping and having sushi buffet. My mom loves sushi. We got some new summer clothes. We were having so much fun as the four hours flied by so quick. If it hadn't been because of work, I would have spent all day shopping with her. She clearly didn't want the day to end, and neither did I. Although, my dad kept calling us to see when we would have gotten home. I wonder what I would do with my dad for a whole day, for Father's day a month from now. Maybe washing our cars? :)

I caught myself giving my mom a hug from behind (with my arms wrapping around her) several times yesterday. That was huge. Hugging and any kinds of physical affections have been a shortcoming in my family. Partially cultural influences, maybe personality, I'm not sure. But as I am emerging into this new culture of affections, verbal expressions, and somewhat individualism, I crave to build that connection with my parents, my mom specifically. I was proud to be able to hug her, just like that, with no conscious effort. Here's to more hugging with my momma! :)

Yesterday no more

Yesterday is behind me, at last.
No more hours and hours conversing,
laughing, crying and sharing with you.
No more butterflies in my stomach,
longing for the time we met.
But most importantly, no more pain
and heartache, lingering in my soul
every time we parted... I yearned.

A part of me left yesterday.

But all of me is here
Now. Today. Tomorrow. And forever more.
More happy memories. More tranquil existence.
My heart's wide-open for love
for gratitude, for change, for growth.
Without you, it seemed hard. Yet
It is just fine, without you...

Once again, Six Word Fridays from Melissa. Today's topic is Yesterday. Thank you!

Giving (and Receiving)

I advocate for "balance", that magical point in the middle where both ends are at this perfect, harmonious position, not tipping either way. When it comes to giving and receiving, my giving end tends to be quite generous. I'm not sure whether it is a personality thing, or it was something I acquired growing up. I remember catching myself saying this numerous times, "I know there is no perfect equality when it comes to giving and receiving in any kind of relationships, so I'm okay with being the giver", hmmm, quite a statement. However, in this new journey, I do want to strive for that perfect equation, in which I am allowing myself to receive. I read this notion somewhere, "Give and you will Receive more". Maybe I have been doing it right all along. Although it is more important for me now to open up my heart, to acknowledge, to allow, and to breath in what I receive. I am using this as a segueway for the main topic today, participating in the blog series for World Give Day.

The topic of this year is "Small scale donors are the backbone of philanthropy"

As an avid volunteer of Jolkona Foundation for almost a year, I do believe in small scale donations. It might have stemmed from my childhood where I frequently saved a portion of my weekly allowance to give to the homeless at church every Sunday, when I gave away my savings for flood victims, or the times I donated blood (because that was what I had easy-access to). The point is, as a young child, I shared what I had. That carried on throughout my college years, and now, I found Jolkona's mission near and dear to my heart. We provide the vehicle to allow everybody to be a philanthropist. We focus on showing the impact of each donation, whether it is a $5 to cure a diarrhea child in India, or a $150 scholarship to a educate a girl in Nepal. All donations count. All donor gets to see their proof of impact.

I encourage each and everyone of you, on this May 4, join together to GIVE.

Monetary donation is not the only way. Give your time to loved ones. Volunteer for a good cause that you are passionate about. Make someone's day by a simple smile and hello. Lend your shoulder to those in need of your support. Or give yourself a pat in the back. Whatever it is, I encourage you to do one extra "GIVING" act tomorrow.


"This post is part of a blog series inspired by World Give Day and hosted by GiveForward and Jolkona. To find other posts in this series please visit www.worldgiveday.com or follow the hashtag #giveday." 

Each other's last lover we'd be

Your last lover I oughta be

Since you would be my last

Destiny seemed to have it so

But then - we had our last

Words. Laugh. Kiss. Hug. and Tears.

One last time. And forever so.

This post is inspired by this week's Six Word Fridays topic: LAST. Thank you Melissa for hosting and I'm glad to be part of it. 

Deadly Silence

It started out as a nice mother-daughter outting. I took my mom for a facial at this fancy spa during Spa Week (known as the discounted services offered one-week-a-year in selected spas). As we were all renewed and refreshed, this conversation occured on the car ride home:

Mom: Holy Week is coming up and next Sunday is Easter! Have you gone to church recently?
Daughter: ummm, here and there, once a while (lie)
Mom: You were such a good church-goer back then. You spent years teaching Bible to the kids at Sunday school and participated in all church events.
Daughter: (silence)
Mom: Have you even gone to confession?
Daughter: (more silence) (I already lied once in this conversation, honest and truthful now Miss Chi)
Mom: (deadly silence)

Five long minutes later, mom started talking about our spa experience and how it relaxing it was. (phew)!

I have a crazy schedule this weekend, packed more work hours than normal. But it was not on purpose. I did not plan to ignore or brush off the fact that it is Holy Week. Up until 4 years ago, being part of a church organization (choir) meant a lot to me. But now, it doesn't. I don't run away from it. I made a choice. I don't consider myself super religious, but I don't disregard the fact that religion helped giving me a structure growing up. It influenced me in a good way to be the person I am today. But I am on a new path now, the path to explore my spirituality. I don't yet know exactly what that means, but I am eager to find out.

The sad thing is, I think my mom would never understand any of this. Communication is key. I've learned over the years that the broken (or non-existing) channel of communication between my parents and I have caused a lot of headache and heartache. Though, I do want to change it around. Would throwing this spirituality notion out there be too much for them to handle? Would it just be another episode of crying and guilt trip like the time I decided to move out on my own? Or would it be more understanding, compassionate and mature? (I hope that's the case, if or when I finally decide to discuss this avoid-at-all-cost subject)

Regarldess of all this, I'm sure on Sunday my heart will sing a little, as the bells from St. James Catheral a few blocks away ring the joyous tune.