Honesty and Authenticity...

Those are a part of who you are, and I happen to share somewhat of the same sentiments. So here goes.

I don't do very well with Grey!
When it comes to matter of the heart...
Grey makes me weak and insecure
Grey brings tears to my eyes
Grey confuses me
Grey causes me to question my intentions and actions
Grey gives me so much heartache...

I happen to prefer Black and White!
and if you ask me why...
I can only say
That's just me - with complete honesty and authenticity.

I . am . VERY . excited!

Not a lot of things can excite me these days. But I have to admit I have had this excitement for a couple days now. 


Words cannot describe the things I want to tell you
But I know the minute our eyes meet...
It won't matter
Everything stands still
Time becomes non-existent
The only thing left to do is to jump into your arms
...and stay there as long as I can


I smell the familiar scent as our cheeks touch
I close my eyes and everything is beautiful again
just as...
the first time we talked
the first time we held hands
and the first time we kissed
.....


"Everyone needs someone to make them feel like tomorrow is more than just another day." - You make my tomorrow brighter than I can ever imagine! 

nostalgic

..is the state of my being today

one last time
you held my hands
strong grip but oh-so-caring
letting me know I'm yours
for once
forever
Time stood still...
as we felt the trembling
inside our hearts and souls
We belong together..

I cried
I felt the heartache
for you
for the first time
knowing it's the end of us.

A conscious decision I made
without you knowing it
but it's right
it's a must

So long.. my friend
You will forever be in my heart!

The power to choose

Gotta be grateful for the simple things in life - today I chose a coconut creme pie, my most favorite pie ever!

I don't typically have a sweet tooth, but I have my moments. I enjoy desserts very much when they are "the ones" I choose. It occurred to me over the long Memorial Day weekend that I do have a lot of power on my hands, when it comes to making decisions. I can pretty much do whatever I want, go for whatever I choose. To some people, that is such a privilege, almost a luxury, to have that power. 

The thing is - not all of my decisions align with what others think I ought to do. It is hard when they are your loved ones. My parents probably did not like it one bit when I moved out, nor do they think I should skip church every Sunday, just because I no longer benefit from it. But I chose it. I chose to live it that way. 

Choices come with responsibilities. You must stand up for yourself. You must take responsibilities. Good or bad, it's all yours. No one else will be the blame. And you shouldn't be the blame either. Sometimes we make decisions based on fear, insecurities, or low self-esteem, or based on some twisted ways of thinking that you need to do so to please others. Your choices sometimes can be oh-not-so-good for yourself, but as long as you make them with authenticity, considering all information, then running with it is the way to go. Because, at the end of the day, you will not regret. And that is what I stand by.


Have you always made decisions that are true to you? Were there times where you were inhibited in making your own choices? What were the reasons? On the other hand, should one always have the ultimate power to choose? 

I named it A New Beginning. I gotta start somewhere.

Back in the school days, I dreaded the idea of writing essays and papers. Never in a million years I thought I'd love writing. But here I am. I started my own blog, I must have some sort of interest. And an interest is just a couple steps away from loving it, right? I have kept a journal for many years, but writing a public blog is a totally different ballgame. It's myself exposed to the world wide web. But since I recently made this personal "vow" to be truthful to myself, this is the first step. Now, Miss Chi, let's start being open, honest, and truthful to yourself, to the people around you, and to the world. Let's the journey begin.

Over this past weekend, through a refreshing high tea experience, I dug deep inside myself to look for all of the "gremlins" in my head. I have recently become fully aware of their powerful existence in my life. And shockingly or not - it's the same theme over and over. It's the belief that I need to be selfless, think-for-other-first, and giving-without-expecting-return. I know where it comes from. I grew up that way. I was taught that way. I saw that in everyone around me, especially in all of the women in my life. Acknowledging is not blaming. It's far from it. Acknowledging is the first step to Accepting, then to Shifting.  It sure isn't the easiest path, but it is the path worth taking. I have come to a point where shifting the focus to loving myself and acting upon my true desires is a must.


I'm sure I am not the only one going through this transformation, more or less. I've heard stories of many of my friends, who have had similar experience. Everybody needs to go through it on their own ways, but please do share if any of these "gremlins" below resonate to you...


"Always put others first."
"You need to think first and foremost of how this (action) may affect your family and closed ones."
"Thinking about yourself is selfish."
"You only take what is given to you." (because that's all you deserve?)
"You need not to speak up what you feel/think/want/desire." (as if they don't matter in the big scheme of things)
"You gotta try harder. You need to earn it. So work harder. Prove yourself." (presumptuously that is the only way you would be validated, valued and loved)


Oh, my gremlins! You have dampened my self-worth so much.
I hope by truthfully acknowledging you, I will move one step closer to accepting you, start a conversation with you, and eventually convince you to rest in a closed compartment of my soul.