Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I named it A New Beginning. I gotta start somewhere.

Back in the school days, I dreaded the idea of writing essays and papers. Never in a million years I thought I'd love writing. But here I am. I started my own blog, I must have some sort of interest. And an interest is just a couple steps away from loving it, right? I have kept a journal for many years, but writing a public blog is a totally different ballgame. It's myself exposed to the world wide web. But since I recently made this personal "vow" to be truthful to myself, this is the first step. Now, Miss Chi, let's start being open, honest, and truthful to yourself, to the people around you, and to the world. Let's the journey begin.

Over this past weekend, through a refreshing high tea experience, I dug deep inside myself to look for all of the "gremlins" in my head. I have recently become fully aware of their powerful existence in my life. And shockingly or not - it's the same theme over and over. It's the belief that I need to be selfless, think-for-other-first, and giving-without-expecting-return. I know where it comes from. I grew up that way. I was taught that way. I saw that in everyone around me, especially in all of the women in my life. Acknowledging is not blaming. It's far from it. Acknowledging is the first step to Accepting, then to Shifting.  It sure isn't the easiest path, but it is the path worth taking. I have come to a point where shifting the focus to loving myself and acting upon my true desires is a must.

I'm sure I am not the only one going through this transformation, more or less. I've heard stories of many of my friends, who have had similar experience. Everybody needs to go through it on their own ways, but please do share if any of these "gremlins" below resonate to you...

"Always put others first."
"You need to think first and foremost of how this (action) may affect your family and closed ones."
"Thinking about yourself is selfish."
"You only take what is given to you." (because that's all you deserve?)
"You need not to speak up what you feel/think/want/desire." (as if they don't matter in the big scheme of things)
"You gotta try harder. You need to earn it. So work harder. Prove yourself." (presumptuously that is the only way you would be validated, valued and loved)

Oh, my gremlins! You have dampened my self-worth so much.
I hope by truthfully acknowledging you, I will move one step closer to accepting you, start a conversation with you, and eventually convince you to rest in a closed compartment of my soul.


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