Love Letter

My dearest self,

You should know that no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. We can get through anything together, hardship, heartaches, disappointments - you name it! I will always be by your side, so don't be scared. Don't be afraid to live it up to your full potential. Don't be scared to open up. Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith. You will be alright.

What you can do is to be responsible for your own behavior and actions, and not anyone else. So conduct yourself in a way that you will not regret. My dearest, you have always been very good at this and you will, too, in the same manner that you've carried on thus far. Because you are you, the one and only, the most awesome person to me!

With lots of love,

Honesty and Authenticity...

Those are a part of who you are, and I happen to share somewhat of the same sentiments. So here goes.

I don't do very well with Grey!
When it comes to matter of the heart...
Grey makes me weak and insecure
Grey brings tears to my eyes
Grey confuses me
Grey causes me to question my intentions and actions
Grey gives me so much heartache...

I happen to prefer Black and White!
and if you ask me why...
I can only say
That's just me - with complete honesty and authenticity.

nostalgic

..is the state of my being today

one last time
you held my hands
strong grip but oh-so-caring
letting me know I'm yours
for once
forever
Time stood still...
as we felt the trembling
inside our hearts and souls
We belong together..

I cried
I felt the heartache
for you
for the first time
knowing it's the end of us.

A conscious decision I made
without you knowing it
but it's right
it's a must

So long.. my friend
You will forever be in my heart!

Comfort

Can a girl even get her Wednesday's comfort breakfast around here?
The best biscuit and gravy at the hospital cafeteria. It escaped me today.
I arrived with only one person in line in front of me, 5 minutes before the hotline closed.
And she ordered all three of the remaining biscuits.
I left with nothing!!!

Try my luck - these days.

I couldn't even get my comfort food to ease my soul.
That felt like someone was scrubbing my fresh wound with salt. Ouchie.

I had one of those ouchie moments yesterday.
Dating is hard. Doing the right thing in dating is even harder at times.
I did my right thing. And I received the right thing someone decided upon me.
It was so right I couldn't disagree.

A good friend reminded me that it is about the journey, not the destination.
It's true, but it is difficult to see when your journey leads you to a deadend.
But maybe it is a blessing after all?
Perspective is a tricky one, I'd tell ya.

If

If Genie was by my side
I wish for sunshine all day
365 days of the year here
where I live. Ocean. Lakes. Trees.
all immersed in the eternal sunshine.

If Genie was by my side
I wish the world is free
of poverty. violence. war. preventable deaths.
I wish everyone is completely free
of hatred. pain. and broken hearts.

But as they say it so:
Life goes on. Things happens, for
a reason. Unbeknownst to you. But
have faith. Stay true to yourself.
Eventually things will fall into places
the way they're supposed to be...


A little late but here it is, last Friday's six words - If

The power to choose

Gotta be grateful for the simple things in life - today I chose a coconut creme pie, my most favorite pie ever!

I don't typically have a sweet tooth, but I have my moments. I enjoy desserts very much when they are "the ones" I choose. It occurred to me over the long Memorial Day weekend that I do have a lot of power on my hands, when it comes to making decisions. I can pretty much do whatever I want, go for whatever I choose. To some people, that is such a privilege, almost a luxury, to have that power. 

The thing is - not all of my decisions align with what others think I ought to do. It is hard when they are your loved ones. My parents probably did not like it one bit when I moved out, nor do they think I should skip church every Sunday, just because I no longer benefit from it. But I chose it. I chose to live it that way. 

Choices come with responsibilities. You must stand up for yourself. You must take responsibilities. Good or bad, it's all yours. No one else will be the blame. And you shouldn't be the blame either. Sometimes we make decisions based on fear, insecurities, or low self-esteem, or based on some twisted ways of thinking that you need to do so to please others. Your choices sometimes can be oh-not-so-good for yourself, but as long as you make them with authenticity, considering all information, then running with it is the way to go. Because, at the end of the day, you will not regret. And that is what I stand by.


Have you always made decisions that are true to you? Were there times where you were inhibited in making your own choices? What were the reasons? On the other hand, should one always have the ultimate power to choose? 

A Hug was my best gift to my mom on Mother's Day

I hope my card  got to my mom on time. We live only 5 minutes away but I decided to surprise her with a card in the mail that says, "I love you". That is huge, even though it's just in writing and not it's the words that come out of my mouth. I wish I could say that over and over and over to her. I just never say it like that, ever. Not in my mother tongue, nor English. Although, if it will ever be said, it will be in English. My thought process, my emotion, and my expression now are all in English. 

My mom never said "I love you" to me, but I know she does, more than I can ever comprehend. They say, "you will love your mother more when you become a mother". I can't wait for that day to happen, but for now, I do what I can, to express my gratitude to her, in my own unspoken "I-love-you". We spent most of the afternoon yesterday shopping and having sushi buffet. My mom loves sushi. We got some new summer clothes. We were having so much fun as the four hours flied by so quick. If it hadn't been because of work, I would have spent all day shopping with her. She clearly didn't want the day to end, and neither did I. Although, my dad kept calling us to see when we would have gotten home. I wonder what I would do with my dad for a whole day, for Father's day a month from now. Maybe washing our cars? :)

I caught myself giving my mom a hug from behind (with my arms wrapping around her) several times yesterday. That was huge. Hugging and any kinds of physical affections have been a shortcoming in my family. Partially cultural influences, maybe personality, I'm not sure. But as I am emerging into this new culture of affections, verbal expressions, and somewhat individualism, I crave to build that connection with my parents, my mom specifically. I was proud to be able to hug her, just like that, with no conscious effort. Here's to more hugging with my momma! :)

Deadly Silence

It started out as a nice mother-daughter outting. I took my mom for a facial at this fancy spa during Spa Week (known as the discounted services offered one-week-a-year in selected spas). As we were all renewed and refreshed, this conversation occured on the car ride home:

Mom: Holy Week is coming up and next Sunday is Easter! Have you gone to church recently?
Daughter: ummm, here and there, once a while (lie)
Mom: You were such a good church-goer back then. You spent years teaching Bible to the kids at Sunday school and participated in all church events.
Daughter: (silence)
Mom: Have you even gone to confession?
Daughter: (more silence) (I already lied once in this conversation, honest and truthful now Miss Chi)
Mom: (deadly silence)

Five long minutes later, mom started talking about our spa experience and how it relaxing it was. (phew)!

I have a crazy schedule this weekend, packed more work hours than normal. But it was not on purpose. I did not plan to ignore or brush off the fact that it is Holy Week. Up until 4 years ago, being part of a church organization (choir) meant a lot to me. But now, it doesn't. I don't run away from it. I made a choice. I don't consider myself super religious, but I don't disregard the fact that religion helped giving me a structure growing up. It influenced me in a good way to be the person I am today. But I am on a new path now, the path to explore my spirituality. I don't yet know exactly what that means, but I am eager to find out.

The sad thing is, I think my mom would never understand any of this. Communication is key. I've learned over the years that the broken (or non-existing) channel of communication between my parents and I have caused a lot of headache and heartache. Though, I do want to change it around. Would throwing this spirituality notion out there be too much for them to handle? Would it just be another episode of crying and guilt trip like the time I decided to move out on my own? Or would it be more understanding, compassionate and mature? (I hope that's the case, if or when I finally decide to discuss this avoid-at-all-cost subject)

Regarldess of all this, I'm sure on Sunday my heart will sing a little, as the bells from St. James Catheral a few blocks away ring the joyous tune.

I feel like blogging today

I opted for a hot one.

Sipping my sometime-favorite Caramel Macchiato at this super chic, echo-friendly and newly remodeled Starbucks store, I feel like blogging. That is not part of my plan for today at all. My plan for the day was to spend a couple of hours doing some volunteer project work, then head to yoga before work this evening. Yes, I do like to plan, but I have learned to loosen up the control grip quite a bit over this past year and  I can now say I am a "recovering life-controller". I am going with the daily flow of life more these days, with a plan hovering in the back of my head.

For many years I've striven to lead a balance life but most time the scale was tipping. When I first came to the States, it was all school and work for a straight 6 years. I needed to achieve the goals as fast as possible - my ambition said so. A couple years after that, my parents was my main focus. Being the only child has its ups and downs, pros and cons, and the perks that come with huge responsibilities. I can't even begin to delve into this topic, one of those that is near and dear to my heart. Maybe another day...

Then came the men. I (mainly unaware of) was never able to really know myself enough to honor what I truly wanted. The sad thing was that not knowing came with not acting the part. I put myself in situations where I never gotten the utmost happiness in that special relationship (do I really know how utmost happiness really feels like? Maybe not then, not now, but I'm learning and practicing, hence this new beginning. But what I DO know is that I want it, all of it, nothing less.)

I think I might be on the road to achieve great balance this weekend. I have planned a nice mix of work, play, family, me-time and volunteer stuff (now only if I finish this blog quick and get back to it). It seems as if I am creating the "best practice" of how a fulfilling and satisfying life for Miss Chi is like. The most essential thing to remember is that every single one of those items listed should reflect my happiest self.

I named it A New Beginning. I gotta start somewhere.

Back in the school days, I dreaded the idea of writing essays and papers. Never in a million years I thought I'd love writing. But here I am. I started my own blog, I must have some sort of interest. And an interest is just a couple steps away from loving it, right? I have kept a journal for many years, but writing a public blog is a totally different ballgame. It's myself exposed to the world wide web. But since I recently made this personal "vow" to be truthful to myself, this is the first step. Now, Miss Chi, let's start being open, honest, and truthful to yourself, to the people around you, and to the world. Let's the journey begin.

Over this past weekend, through a refreshing high tea experience, I dug deep inside myself to look for all of the "gremlins" in my head. I have recently become fully aware of their powerful existence in my life. And shockingly or not - it's the same theme over and over. It's the belief that I need to be selfless, think-for-other-first, and giving-without-expecting-return. I know where it comes from. I grew up that way. I was taught that way. I saw that in everyone around me, especially in all of the women in my life. Acknowledging is not blaming. It's far from it. Acknowledging is the first step to Accepting, then to Shifting.  It sure isn't the easiest path, but it is the path worth taking. I have come to a point where shifting the focus to loving myself and acting upon my true desires is a must.


I'm sure I am not the only one going through this transformation, more or less. I've heard stories of many of my friends, who have had similar experience. Everybody needs to go through it on their own ways, but please do share if any of these "gremlins" below resonate to you...


"Always put others first."
"You need to think first and foremost of how this (action) may affect your family and closed ones."
"Thinking about yourself is selfish."
"You only take what is given to you." (because that's all you deserve?)
"You need not to speak up what you feel/think/want/desire." (as if they don't matter in the big scheme of things)
"You gotta try harder. You need to earn it. So work harder. Prove yourself." (presumptuously that is the only way you would be validated, valued and loved)


Oh, my gremlins! You have dampened my self-worth so much.
I hope by truthfully acknowledging you, I will move one step closer to accepting you, start a conversation with you, and eventually convince you to rest in a closed compartment of my soul.