Love Letter

My dearest self,

You should know that no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. We can get through anything together, hardship, heartaches, disappointments - you name it! I will always be by your side, so don't be scared. Don't be afraid to live it up to your full potential. Don't be scared to open up. Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith. You will be alright.

What you can do is to be responsible for your own behavior and actions, and not anyone else. So conduct yourself in a way that you will not regret. My dearest, you have always been very good at this and you will, too, in the same manner that you've carried on thus far. Because you are you, the one and only, the most awesome person to me!

With lots of love,

Honesty and Authenticity...

Those are a part of who you are, and I happen to share somewhat of the same sentiments. So here goes.

I don't do very well with Grey!
When it comes to matter of the heart...
Grey makes me weak and insecure
Grey brings tears to my eyes
Grey confuses me
Grey causes me to question my intentions and actions
Grey gives me so much heartache...

I happen to prefer Black and White!
and if you ask me why...
I can only say
That's just me - with complete honesty and authenticity.

Deadly Silence

It started out as a nice mother-daughter outting. I took my mom for a facial at this fancy spa during Spa Week (known as the discounted services offered one-week-a-year in selected spas). As we were all renewed and refreshed, this conversation occured on the car ride home:

Mom: Holy Week is coming up and next Sunday is Easter! Have you gone to church recently?
Daughter: ummm, here and there, once a while (lie)
Mom: You were such a good church-goer back then. You spent years teaching Bible to the kids at Sunday school and participated in all church events.
Daughter: (silence)
Mom: Have you even gone to confession?
Daughter: (more silence) (I already lied once in this conversation, honest and truthful now Miss Chi)
Mom: (deadly silence)

Five long minutes later, mom started talking about our spa experience and how it relaxing it was. (phew)!

I have a crazy schedule this weekend, packed more work hours than normal. But it was not on purpose. I did not plan to ignore or brush off the fact that it is Holy Week. Up until 4 years ago, being part of a church organization (choir) meant a lot to me. But now, it doesn't. I don't run away from it. I made a choice. I don't consider myself super religious, but I don't disregard the fact that religion helped giving me a structure growing up. It influenced me in a good way to be the person I am today. But I am on a new path now, the path to explore my spirituality. I don't yet know exactly what that means, but I am eager to find out.

The sad thing is, I think my mom would never understand any of this. Communication is key. I've learned over the years that the broken (or non-existing) channel of communication between my parents and I have caused a lot of headache and heartache. Though, I do want to change it around. Would throwing this spirituality notion out there be too much for them to handle? Would it just be another episode of crying and guilt trip like the time I decided to move out on my own? Or would it be more understanding, compassionate and mature? (I hope that's the case, if or when I finally decide to discuss this avoid-at-all-cost subject)

Regarldess of all this, I'm sure on Sunday my heart will sing a little, as the bells from St. James Catheral a few blocks away ring the joyous tune.